I’m tired of being the “Bigger Person” in my friendships
Who knew managing friendships was going to be like having another job.
The bigger person is defined as someone who is first to speak up after a disagreement and initiates a reconciliation, despite whose”fault” it was. What I’ve learned through my friendships is that constantly being the bigger person can create a cloud of resentment between you and that person. Are they really your friend if you are always the one fighting to keep the relationship?
I, like many others, was tricked into thinking that age correlates to maturity and petty high school behaviors would evolve into sophisticated quarrels among friends. Boy was I wrong! I’ve been in more awkward friendship situations as an adult than in high school.
There are different ways that friends fall out but the one I constantly run into is the unprecedented silent treatment. It sometimes starts off as a way to give each other some space but then that space grows into a whole solar system and you become moons apart. Bouncing back after not talking for so long can be uncomfortable and things become unsaid out of fear of having to revisit the past. Most of the times this has happened I was the one to reach out to try to fix things and it began to weigh heavy on me. Do your best not to go too long without speaking to a close friend, never let more than two weeks go by without any forms of communication.
What had happened was...
I had a situation where I made a suggestion to a longtime friend about her hair and she took offense to it, told me she didn’t need my opinion and I left it alone. We had plans for the next day and she suddenly cancelled an hour before we were supposed to meet, I realized that my small comment must have hit a bigger nerve so I gave her some space. This was weird to me because this friend had made some off putting comments about me in the past and I typically let things go because I knew her heart was in the right place. After two months of silence I decided to be the bigger person and reach out to break the ice. She admitted she was upset because I commented on her hair and I apologized for making the comment but things never picked back up.
What I learned…
Recognize others feelings - Although I didn’t understand what I did wrong in the situation I still had compassion for how she felt and apologized
Reach out, if you care to - I cared about this friend so not speaking with her bothered me enough to reach out. even when you don’t want to be the bigger person if that person is on your mind contact them anyway.
Two way street - Relationships only work if all parties work at it, do your part and hopefully the other will too.
No matter the length of your friendships, they can end for the most trivial reasons and there isn’t much you can do about that. There will be situations where you must step up and just be the bigger person but when it gets to the point that you feel resentment for always having to play that role then it may be time to self reflect on how you are choosing friendships in the first place.
If you are ever upset with a friend, take the time to tell them how you feel because no one is a mind reader and life is too short to hold on to small things. Work on effectively communicating and problem solving instead of just cutting people off.
When was the last time you played the role of the “bigger person”?
